Emotional Dumpsite

I just learned from my professor last tuesday that the expression dedma is actually short for the English words dead malice. And that dead malice is the literal translation of the Filipino expression patay malisya.

So, what is dedma? If dead malice is the absence of malice, what does dedma mean? Dedma is to completely ignore someone or something; to snub, to reject.

What would you feel if you were ignored by someone close to you, someone close to your heart? Anong gagawin mo kapag dinededma ka ng taong ‘yun? Siguro, once in our lives we experienced being ignored. Siguro nadedma na tayo at nangdedma na rin tayo. Pero, have it ever crossed your mind what the person might be feeling after being ignored?

OUCH. That would be my reaction. Kung hindi ka masasaktan, maiinis ka lang. Pero, usually, masasaktan ka. Because when you are ignored, it’s as if you are rejected. Masakit sa loob. Nasasagasaan ang ego mo. At kapag dinededma ka ng isang tao, you can’t help but think what you did wrong. What made him/her angry? Anong ginawa kong masama? Bakit siya galit? But of course, you won’t ask that person those questions. Dahil nga sa nasagasaan na ang ego mo, ayaw mong lumala pa ang pagkabugbog nito. Siguro, you’ll wait for that person na nangdedma sayo na kausapin ka. Hihintayin mong makalimutan niyang dinidedma ka pala niya. Siguro that’ll happen after 48 years. But hey, you’re willing to wait.

Pero ‘di lang itong usapang ego. Lalo na siguro kapag ka-close mo ‘yung nangdededma sayo. Iisipin mong inadequate ka na kaibigan. Iisipin mong lagi ka na lang mali. Iisipin mong, after everything else, ayaw na niya sayo, may ipapalit na siya sayo. Masaktan ka dahil usapang puso na ito. Mas mahigit pa sa ego mo. Sa tagal ba naman ng pagsasama niyo, bigla na lamang niyang pinutol ang inyong connection. Siyempre kapag ganun ay iispin mong dinedma ka na. At dahil nasasaktan ka, you’ll just wait for him/her to make that connection again. And when s/he does not make that connection, that’s when you will really feel depressed, betrayed and start blaming yourself for everything that is happening, even if it isn’t your fault. Dahil ang puso mo na ang nasasaktan, not just your ego. And sometimes, it’ll take a long time to get over it and accept the fact that s/he is ignoring you. And after 48 yrs kapag pinansin ka na niya, ang dami nang nagbago. Mahina na ang connection ninyong dalawa dahil siguro may nakakabit na sa kabila na mas bago at mas malinaw na connection. And siyempre, dahil sa pangit na ang connection niyo, ‘di maiiwasang nadededma ka ulit.

Pero siyempre, ‘di mo alam kung bakit ka niya dinedma noon. Siguro accidental lang ang pangdededma niya sa’yo. Because you’re so far away, or you have no time to connect, or dahil sa tanga lang ang taong ‘yun (dahil hindi niya alam how important you are), tuloy nadededma ka. Siguro rin ay dahil sa mas practical ang dedmahin ka. Ayaw ka na sigurong i-confront, kaya the best way out is to pretend that you don’t exist. Kaya ayun, dinedma ka tuloy. At meron namang malicious na dedma. Ang pagdededma na ito ay ginagamit para makasakit. That person is deliberately trying to hurt you, to inflict pain, that is why you are being ignored. But either way, all these ‘reasons’ kung bakit dinidedma ka ng isang tao ay nakakasakit ng loob. And kung after 48 years ay friends na kayo ulit, for sure, s/he’ll not tell you why s/he was ignoring you. It’s like saying forgive and forget. 

To some people it’s easy to forgive and forget. But to others it’s not. For me, I can easily forgive but I can never forget. Sige na, dedmahin mo na ako, two can play that game, right? Huh! Dededmahin din kita. Pero if this is the case, it seems like I can’t easily forgive right? Maybe. I don’t know. ‘Yan kasi ang ginagawa ko, and I like to think that I can forgive easily. Because of the hurt that s/he has caused me, in retaliation, I will also let him/her feel what i felt nung dinidedma niya ako. Unless that person is insensitive, dense bah, then my efforts are to no avail! But hey, i think ‘di ko kayang mangdedma ng tao for 48 years. It’s simply not me. But I prefer to be ignored. Lalo na siguro kung mas masakit pa ang nararanasan mo nung ika’y hindi pa dinededma kaysa sa nung ikaw ay dinededma na. Mas okay na siguro ‘yung dinidedma ka para makalimutan mo na ‘yung sakit and then you can move on. And hopefully, one day, that pain will just be a light throbbing in your heart, always there to remind you of what you experienced but not that painful anymore.