Archive for June, 2006

pain. memories.

Monday, June 12th, 2006

im bracing myself for the pain to come.
but only memories came.
along with it are the what ifs and what could have beens.

can’t believe that this day has come.
i can’t believe that after 2 years, i will be pain-free.
i was waiting for the pain, even a dull ache…
but i realized that it’s gone.
and the pain was replaced by indifference.
which i think is far worst than the pain or hatred that i once felt.

i have heard that memories are just memories.
they dont have enough power over the present.
that is true.
you may have the memories.
but that is all.
it isnt enough to fight the reality of the present time.
its power then, is meaningless now.

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the sting of death.

Thursday, June 8th, 2006
    i hate hospitals.
that’s why i can never convince myself to take medical courses even if
it can make me filthy rich (i.e. nursing).  but now i know why i do…
    it’s not the blood. although, i admit i feel nauseated at the sight of it….
    it’s the smell of death that’s in the air. no matter how many
gallons of disinfectant are poured on the hospital floors, the smell of
death in a hospital hangs heavily in the air. true, not all people who
are in the hospital are dying…  but some of them are. and even before
death comes, there’s pain. suffering and agony. these are felt not just
by the patients but their family and loved ones too.            
    that’s a fact. i just witnessed it a while ago.
    i visited an uncle who was admitted in the hospital for a week now.
it was a shock to see him all thin and frail-looking, with all those
tubes protruding from his body. he can’t talk. he can’t stand up. can’t
even open his eyes. he was even screaming and tried to take off the
tube inserted in his nose… according to my cousin, he vomited blood
last night… i wasn’t prepared to see this. i can’t help but feel
teary-eyed. i feel like crying, wailing even, but i know i can’t
because i need to stay strong if not for my uncle then for myself. it
was also quite depressing to learn that my auntie would not continue to
admit my uncle in the hospital if the doctors would say that there’s no
hope for him to live. i can see the unshed tears in their eyes and the
sadness even if they tried to hide it.
   i felt helpless. i felt powerless. but i know i can do something to somewhat ease my uncle’s pain and even the whole family’s0.
   i received a text from  my mom saying that i should share the gospel
to him and to my auntie. but he’s asleep. i reasoned. my  mom replied,
maybe he’s listening, just try.
    i know that’s the only help that i can give. i can share to him the
word of god. there’s a debate within myself on what to say and how to
say it. when i had the chance, when i was alone with my auntie and my
’sleeping’ uncle, i did not do it. i convinced myself that i’ll go back
tomorrow and really do it. but i know i won’t be able to sleep well
knowing that i didnt grab the opportunity to witness to him and to my
auntie. and i know that i’ll be the one to answer if he would die
without christ…
    i didn’t want to wash my hands upon leaving the hospital. i can
still smell it, the death, the pain, the loneliness. i want it to be a
reminder a job not done…
    i can’t stand hospitals because something in me kept on saying that i can
help those people who are suffering inside but just can’t extend a
helping hand. call me selfish. i do try to help people outside the
hospital. i try to be a blessing to them and share God’s word. i just
dont want the cold reality to slap me in the face just like what it
does to me when im in hospitals. i just want to deal with death.
because i fell like im the one who will be blamed when it happens…

what’s on your mind? would you like to share it?

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