Emotional Dumpsite

Now I know it’s over. Not that I want it to but I have to. After tonight I know that it’s time for me to let go…

To be honest, I still have a little hope in me that you’ll say
something about what I told you, after all it’s our last night
together. I was kind of wishing that you’ll pull me aside and at least
acknowedge it. No, I don’t want to hear the same thing, I just want you to say something, anything about that, but you said nothing… Nothing at all.
From what I have observed, it seems like you have no plans of facing
it. I know that you didn’t ask for it; you didn’t ask to be burdened
with my revelation. I said it
to you because, as what I have told you, I just want to get it off my
chest and I thought you were man enough to handle it… But I was
wrong, you can’t handle it. However, I’ll give you the benefit of a
doubt, as what clm reasoned, you’re not ready yet..
So, why not tell me that? You kept me hanging by your lack of response.
If that’s what you really feel just confront me. If you can’t tell me
in person, text me, like what I did. It would be easier for me to move
one if you did just that. I would not have waited for this night for me
to realize and accept that this is a hopeless case… that I am a hopeless case.
If you told me earlier, then there wouldn’t be awkward moments between us. I admit, after that,
I feel awkward when you’re around, I can’t even look at you in the eye.
I can also sense that you feel the same way. No more careless touches:
a touch on the shoulder, brushing of hands when walking… And the
awkward pose says it all! If you, at least, acknowledged it, I could have moved on and make it as a joke, a laughing matter. Then everything would be back to normal. But it ended up like this. Parang di kayo magkakilala.
True. It’s as if we
don’t know each other. It’s like our one year of friendship has ended
and we have nothing to hold on to but that stupid revelation of mine
which clouds our better judgement and our treatment as batch-kadahan. Lot’s of ilang  moments… I don’t want it to get worse. I want to restore our friendship and start all over again (meaning before that incident). Back to when we can easily shrug off the kanchawan or I
can easily shrug it off. Back to when I can really get close to you
without me feeling awkward and vice versa. I hope someday, our
friendship will return to that…
I know, for that to happen, I have to let go. I have to let go of my
feelings that, for a time, made me happy and even helped brighten my
day. I have to stop day dreaming and go back to reality. I should not
wait for any response anymore and accept that it’s over. Not that I
want to but because I have to. If I won’t, I would just end up
broken-hearted and our friendsip would suffer. That I do not want to
happen. That’s why I should admit it to myself that it’s over.

It’s over…

It’s over… 

tell me about yourself.

the interviewer patiently waits for my answer. i cant believe that in just a matter of seconds, your mind goes to work and thinks of a million things to say. unnecessary things actually. then my mind goes blank. what should i tell him about me?

that right now i am at a crossroad in my life, not knowing which path to take? doubting the decisions made? that at that very moment, i am doubting my decision to show up for this interview?

or that I’m happy living alone and I like the feeling of independence? but most of the times I prefer to be home because when I’m home I have less responsibilities to take? Or simply put, I am afraid of responsibilities?

Or should I tell him that I am very interested to join a PR or an advertising company like theirs but I don’t think I am qualified to be in one? That I think less of myself? Or that I’m not sure of what I really want, I just want out from my present job?

Should I tell him that I want a fulfilling job but I’m really not sure if what he is offering will give me fulfillment? Or that nothing else will unless it’s a high paying job OR a job that will let me help (literally) poor people like an NGO or UN?

Or that I’m incapable of answering a question like ‘What’s my greatest achievement in life’ because I don’t think that I’ve done something that is worth bragging about or monumental or life changing…?

I looked at my resume. Then my mind started working. Then I started telling him what I think he wants to hear and what he already knows, what’s written on my resume. After all, it wouldn’t do me good if I say all the things that I want to say. Or I need to say.