Emotional Dumpsite

tell me about yourself.

the interviewer patiently waits for my answer. i cant believe that in just a matter of seconds, your mind goes to work and thinks of a million things to say. unnecessary things actually. then my mind goes blank. what should i tell him about me?

that right now i am at a crossroad in my life, not knowing which path to take? doubting the decisions made? that at that very moment, i am doubting my decision to show up for this interview?

or that I’m happy living alone and I like the feeling of independence? but most of the times I prefer to be home because when I’m home I have less responsibilities to take? Or simply put, I am afraid of responsibilities?

Or should I tell him that I am very interested to join a PR or an advertising company like theirs but I don’t think I am qualified to be in one? That I think less of myself? Or that I’m not sure of what I really want, I just want out from my present job?

Should I tell him that I want a fulfilling job but I’m really not sure if what he is offering will give me fulfillment? Or that nothing else will unless it’s a high paying job OR a job that will let me help (literally) poor people like an NGO or UN?

Or that I’m incapable of answering a question like ‘What’s my greatest achievement in life’ because I don’t think that I’ve done something that is worth bragging about or monumental or life changing…?

I looked at my resume. Then my mind started working. Then I started telling him what I think he wants to hear and what he already knows, what’s written on my resume. After all, it wouldn’t do me good if I say all the things that I want to say. Or I need to say.

what’s wrong with her?

she easily falls in love. but it’s hard for her to fall out of it. and she suffers. her heart suffers because of it. that’s the reason why she needs to be as far away from him as possible, lest her heart will break into pieces.

she assumed too much. unrequited love? no. she doesn’t think so. before. now, she’s really not sure. maybe everything was just her assumption. her romanticizing everything. with no truth to it. but what about their special moments together? the times when there’s no need for words, just one look and you both know what you’re thinking? him opening up to her, only her? his lingering touches? his extra special treatment? his invitation? maybe t’was just her imagination. maybe he was.

she is deperate. maybe. desperate to grab the chance of getting close to him. desperate enough to think of foolish thoughts about him. desperate enough that she’s dreaming of their future together. desperate to spend more time with him. desperate enough that she pushes himself to him… maybe not.

she is sometimes stupid. yes. when it comes to the matters of the heart. she doesn’t think twice. actually, she’s thinking too much. she’s thinking too much of him. even if she’s not sure if he’s think of her too. she thinks that he likes her. she really is being stupid.

him. he was what’s wrong with her. if it wasn’t for him, she would have been perfectly alright. if he wasn’t leading her on, she wouldn’t be thinking of foolishness. if he just left her alone, her life would be peaceful right now, with no broken heart to deal with. if he left her (the other her) alone, then he would be hers until now.

then there wouldnt be a broken heart to deal with. then there would be a blog like this. then everything would be perfect. perfect.

my mind’s blank. empty. except for a whole lo of things. isn’t it ironic? here i am whacking my brain to try to fill it with ideas on what to write for my article, no, make that articlessss, for the COLLumn, and i can’t think of anything. but i’m writing an entry of my blog. i have lot’s to write for my blog but nothing for my article. i’m not a writer, that i’m sure. but i’m a leader, the reason why i’m with the COLLumn. the editor-in-chief. i would like to be the chief but not the editor! ha!

anyway, i would like to share my current state of mind. it’s in a state of unrest. lately i’ve some thoughts that kept on bothering me. thoughts on life, love, future, dreams, work, plans, contentment, etc. there’s no order, everything just kept on popping all at once. i couldn’t helpt but think that maybe one day soon i’ll go crazy. but i don’t think that’s possible. im as sane as any ordinary person who had experienced a lot, good and bad.

here are just some of the bits amd pieces of my thoughts:

life. what am i going to do with my life? i have lots of things that i want to do but most of them translates into unreal, intangible things. i’ve been living for 21 years now but im still not sure on where to go and what to do with my life.

love. did i mention that i’m already 21 years old and still single? you may say that there are a lot of people out there who are older and still single. well, maybe they dont want to have a partner but i do. but i’ve learned to accept that i can wait no matter how long it takes. but i can say that i did love once (and i’m talking about romantic love, all right?) and was hurt many times. now, i’m near to loving someone but i’m already hurting. i havent even started it yet but here i am slightly bleeding. isn’t it unfair? you love once or twice but you’ll hurt a hundred times? maybe that’s love. so why still love? i don’t know, i don’t know.

dream. lately, i want to become a singer. that’s why i want to enroll in trumpets. i want to be a business woman that’s why i’m asking for opinions of ‘businessmen’. i marry a basketall player (ha). well, that’s why it’s just a dream. it’s up to you if you’ll pursue it or not.

work. now i think this would make me crazy! insane! i don’t like my job. but i like the people (except of course for ms.annabelle), the company, and of course the money!haha. now im torn, to leave or not to leave. that’s is the question!

contentment. i think im contented with my life right now. or maybe i’m not. i’m not sure. haha.

excuse my grammar, my thoughts are free flowing so it would be hard to check on it when i really want to write my thoughts.

lesson learned from checking somebody else’s profile or testimonials, for that matter? it’ll just break your heart because ul just find out things that u shouldnt have known, or things that u shud have known first-hand but dont.
thanks for the sweetness dat uv shown.
thanks for dat extra special treatment.
thanks for going out of ur way just to pretend dat u like sumbudy.
thanks for sparking a hope to sum1 and then later on dumping it with ice cold water.
thanks for leaving a person cold and in the dark.
thanks for keeping somebudy waiting.
thanks for nothing.
only a stupid person will assume things because of the things that u did. stupid. stupid. u never should have started it… nobody’s blaming u because only stupid people do. stupid. stupid. men. guys. ur all the same.

haha. bitter. talaga!

school: I just graduated april 23, 206…
i really missed going to school. Well, actually, i really missed going to UP. I missed jogging at the acad oval late at night. I missed the cold and fog enveloping the whole campus at this time of the year. I missed my sports and dorm activities. Gone were the days of bumming around, of late nights with my thesis partner, of pigging out with ate paning’s junkies. No more moments with the badettes, walking around the campus, chatting the night away with friends. No more crush hunting,  slaving over a project, production work, quiet times at the library…  im hoping that i could back to those idyllic/stressful times. Maybe one day, i will. But now now.

WORK: i started working june 29, 2006.
i admit, i wasnt prepared to work. yes, i was all around the metro last summer looking for a job, seemingly excited of the thought of earning my own money. But i wasn’t prepared to face reality. The profession that i was supposed to enter will bring me nowhere, unless i have the right connections, which i dont. anyway, i’m now in the banking world, which i have never dreamed of entering. But because it’s financially rewarding, I’m in and  don’t know when or how I’m going to quit it. Now quitting isn’t a negative word here. Because the job really sucks. As in S-U-C-K-S. maybe because it’s far more different from what i have studied back in college. I’m free-spirited. But with this kind of job, I feel like the fire in me is gradually dying out. My sense of adventure goes away with it. My heart is hardened. I taught myself not to give/spend time with my family. I taught myself to put smile in my voice even when i’m hurting, even when i’m sick; to still be respectful even when people are cursing and shouting at me. and these are all in the name of what? BONUS. PROFIT. THE BANK. shit. but what can i do? I’m benefiting from it financially. but ONLY FINANCIALlY. but the best thing about the work? I met friends that’s worth keeping. love you guys.

family: i just realized that my family is on the top my priority list.
well, next to God of course. I know it’s a little too late to realize that but at least i did. That ‘moment of truth’ was when i wasnt able to go home in time for christmas eve… i was willing to extend my vacation and defy my superiors at work, just to be with them for one more day (but the truth was i was sick with asthma.. more of this later). but now, i’m still away… one day soon, i’ll go back home.

friends: have lot’s of them.
Lately i’ve been spending more time alone, like new year thus i have this feeling that I am a loner. Yes, i’m surrounded by friends but  sometimes i like being alone. Maybe that doesn’t make us a loner because we all want to be alone at one time. I treasure the times spent with my friends. And i embrace those time alone with myself.

heart: i’m in love with love.
but with somebody? I dont know. in like, yes. and it may be bordering to harmless infatuation. And maybe it’ll turn to love, if, and only if, the recipient will do something about it. I still have this principle that the guys always make the first move. Maybe a little encouragement from my part but that’s all. haha. i have a lot of assumptions. but im dense. i need IT to slap me in the face for me to know and believe IT. even if you don’t fit my major requierment (which is height) you’ll still do ‘coz my heart says so. and yes, im over that other person and i have moved on completely.


health: im healthy.
im even getting bigger everyday!haha. kiddng. im tryng to loose weight by not eatng. I know it’s not healthy. I eat breakfast, though. which, i think, is the most important meal of the day. As for lunch and dinner? I eat whenever i feel like eating. As for my asthma, i had it when i was a kid. and because of my job (i assume) i am suffering from it again. And when i say suffer, as in real suffering. I’m not allowed to eat chocolates chicken and seafoods! I have to take two kinds of meds 3x a day. and sometimes i wake up late at night wheezing with my cough.

sheesh, i need t jog more often.

why does it have to end that way? do i need to be slapped in the face for me to wake up to reality? do i need fall hard to know that i’m living in a fantasy world?

my long-time infatuation ended last friday. and it left me numb and cold. what feeling i had for this infatuation of mine ended with the movie. and just like the movie’s ending, something died. my ability to dream and look farther into my future died, and maybe my capability to love went with it. and with the turning on of lights came the greatest realization of all: now i know better, im fully awake and know that for him i dont exist and what only exists in his world is a long-nosed girl who bewitched him with her voice. for a long time, i’ve been living in a fantasy world, dreaming of our future together, where in fact, for him im a nobody. but who can i blame him/ i really am a nobody compared to him or to his witch.

there’s this thing also with assumptions. we all have the right to assume. yes. but when we assume too much it will just leave us vulnerable. to pain, to the loss, to the hurt. and no one can help us but ourselves. so what we do is to lessen the assumptions or even get rid of it. just like what i did on that same night. friday. i closed my ears and eyes to assumptions. i stopped following the supposedly telltale signs. then, i thought that the signs my chocolate man is giving me are just for me, that they’re leading me on to something grand. but i misread the signs. and i ended up lost. but then again, i found my way again, but it was away from him. that was when my chocolate man tried calling his ms.C, on that same fateful night (i dont know what happened, if he was able to contact her or not, i couldn’t care less). But it’s good to know that he has a ms.C in his life. that way, i can really stop myself from entertaining all those assumptions. but that harm has been done. i assumed. and now, im in pain.

so now all these have ended. assuming. dreaming. loving.

let’s name him my chocolate man.

he’s my chocolate man because he’s as sweet as dark chocolate. but dark chocolates arent sweet, you tell me. yes they arent. in fact my chocolate man prefers his sweet. but i prefer mine dark. so he’s still like a dark chocolate for me. my favorite.

he’s my chocolate man because he couldnt be taken for granted. people always crave for chocolates. i always crave for him. for his attention. for his sweetness. for the feeling that goes when im with him. it’s like eating a chocolate, it feels like heaven. sometimes ur satisfied with one bite. sometimes, you would always ask for more. but it’s impossible for you not to miss eating it.

he’s my chocolate man because one look and your mouth will water. (this is without sexual innuendos, mind you).  he’s good looking and also looks nice and kind. a single look makes you want to know more about him. just like a chocolate, one look at it and it makes you want to go and grab a bite.

he’s my chocolate man because he’s liked and loved by everybody. everybody, maybe at some point in their lives, liked chocolates. and that’s the way with him. he’s the friendliest of them all. he’s the kindest of them all. but because of that i think he’s close to being gay. but maybe it’s not his friendliness. maybe it’s just everything about him. but he’s still my chocolate man no matter what they say.

he’s my chocolate man because he takes away my depression. one look at my chocolate man and my sour mood would be lifted. and when im not with him, i feel a little bad and sad. just like a chocolate, it’s one of the best anti-depressant ever made.

he’s my chocolate man. and i dont think i can ever find another one.

but what’s sad about craving and liking my chocolate man? he might be another person’s chocolate man… and i might just be one of those cheap chocolate girls.

kung pwede lang isigaw na ayoko na, siguro nabingi na kayo.

kung pwede lang sanang sabihing tama na, siguro wala na ako.

kung pwede lang sanang itigil ang lahat ng ito, sana ay wala na akong reklamo.

kung pwede lang sanang unahan kita, di na ako nagkakaganito.

pero hindi pwede.

at bakit hindi pwede?

kasi hindi ganun kadali ang mag-give up. sa career. sa kinakareer. kasi baka ngayon lang ‘to. at kung magku-quit ako, may darating pa ba? kung titigilan ko siya, may papalit ba sa kanya? haha

hindi ganun kadali ang basta mag-impake na lang at bumalik sa pinanggalingan mo. gusto kong mag-aral pero para ano? takasan ang pagtatrabaho na one day ay haharapin ko rin? gusto ko nang umuwi pero anong mapapala ko? oo, magkakasama nga kami ng pamilya ko pero one day, magkakahiwalay rin kami, so why delay the inevitable?

hindi rin ganun kadali bitiwan ang akala mo’y hawak mo na. career. kinakareer. andun na eh, bat bigla pang nawala? may ipinapakita na eh, bat basta na lang itinago? nararamdaman mo na eh, bat basta na lang naglaho? nakita na kitang nakatingin, pero ikaw ang naunang umiwas. bakti wala pang nangyayari? kung pwede lang sanang ako ang mauna, gagawin ko. pero hindi. ayoko. dahil hindi pwede…

pero kung pwede lang sana…